I wrote this song in 2008 I had been living in Auckland for about one and a half years.
I had finally left home at 25 (better late then never) and was slowly building a life for myself, studying Theology and hanging with a group of friends that had made the move up from Welly.
I was working part time at a clothing store when I received a call from my mum.
She sounded nervous, she asked how I was going and how life was, me and my mum got on really well we were very close and we could really tell each other anything so looking back now I can understand why she had called me.
After a a bit of a chat she went quiet and I asked her what was up. I didn't realize saying those three words would change my life.
She paused for a minute and said she was moving to Australia to start a new life.
At that moment I felt a sense of heartache in her voice. She went on to explain she was leaving my dad and had brought a ticket to leave in two days.
My world fell out from underneath me.
You see I looked at my parents relationship as the epitome of a solid marriage.
They had a lot of struggles together both financially and relational but they seemed to come out stronger for it, so this call was a complete surprise.
She asked how I felt about it and I told her I felt abandoned.
She assured me that things wouldn't change that she would always be there for us but she needed to get away I asked her if she had told him about any of this and she replied with "No I haven't so please don't tell him."
I told her I loved her and that whatever she needed I would be there for her.
But I was angry I was gutted I was simply lost.
My idea of relationships changed from that moment seeing only failure in them.
I tried calling Dad for two days to tell him what Mum had told me and when I finally got in touch with him I told unloaded everything, he didn't know this was about to take place.
I still get a moment of sadness when I think of what happened and that abandonment hits me from time to time.
What I learnt from this experience is there is no real quick fix to feeling these feelings, I started to find hope in my own relationship and I started to realize that I could find happiness again but it took a while to come to that place.
And thank God I have a patient wife.
Heartache can happen at any moment in life and our ability to express ourselves creatively or otherwise doesn't diminish that feeling it doesn't take it away completely but it encourages the slow road to healing by opening it up and revealing it's true intention.
Whether that is anger, sadness, grief or complete bewilderment we are free to express through any vehicle whether music, poetry, writing or just talking to a close friend or loved one or even screaming at the top of our lungs at the injustice of life.
For me my heartache was found in a song...
A Heart broken man in a distant land
I lost myself in all this grief
Found the pain deep down in me
If this is what it feels like I am sad
A heart broken man in a distant land
I'm broken now I can't see home
If this is what it feels like I am gone
The things I felt are only dreams
A heart broken man in a distant land
A heart broken man in a distant land
A heart broken man in a distant land
Days turn into nights
Feel like I lost my soul
What happened to me the boy I once knew
A heart broken man in a distant land
I lost myself in all this grief
Found the pain deep down in me
If this is what it feels like I am sad
A heart broken man in a distant land
A heart broken man in a distant land
A heart broken man in a distant land
FIN
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